Perfectionism
(Self-Abandonment Pattern)
Perfectionism is the safety strategy of chasing flawlessness to avoid shame, criticism, or loss of control. It looks like impossible standards, over-editing, procrastination-by-prep, and self-worth that swings on outcomes instead of truth.
Where Perfectionism Comes From
Perfectionism usually sprouts where love or safety felt conditional—good grades, good behavior, gold stars. You learned that being exceptional could inoculate you against disappointment or punishment. Excellence became armor.
As the stakes rise, the rules get louder: get it right or don’t do it. You over-prepare, over-polish, and quietly avoid anything you can’t ace. The promise is safety; the price is aliveness. Perfection keeps you “in control,” but it also keeps you small—stuck rehearsing instead of living.
Signs You Might Be a Perfectionist
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You procrastinate until you can “do it perfectly,” then sprint in panic
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You over-edit emails, posts, or projects long past “good enough”
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You avoid new things you can’t immediately excel at
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Feedback feels like a personal failure, not information
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Rest is hard unless everything is finished (newsflash: it never is)
Why It’s Not Your Fault
Perfectionism worked. It reduced chaos, won approval, and kept you from feeling powerless. That’s intelligence, not a character flaw. But the same hyper-control that once protected you now strangles creativity, intimacy, and joy. You don’t need to dismantle your standards; you need to stop tying your worth to them.
First Step to Rewrite the Pattern
Ship a WIP: choose one low-risk task and publish at 80% done. Add a one-line note: “Iterating.” Then walk away. Let “done” rewire your nervous system. Tomorrow, improve it by 10%—not 50%.
Related Terms
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→ Start with The Rewrite™: 7-week program to break self-abandonment patterns and communicate without losing yourself.
